Devil On Your Back
by WinterSky101
Summary: Kaldur blew up Mount Justice. Even if the emotional fallout is delayed, there's no way he can avoid it. Tag for 2.09 (Darkest).


**Title comes from "Shake It Out" by Florence + The Machine.**

* * *

He manages to keep it together in front of his father and the Light. Only barely, only by using more willpower than he thought he had left in him, but he keeps it together.

"You did well," Black Manta says when they leave the meeting with the promise that Kaldur can meet the Light's strange partner, the Reach. "I am proud of you."

"Thank you, Father."

"And the others tell me that Tigress performed admirably as well," Manta adds. "I admit, I was a bit… uncertain about her at first."

"Uncertain?" Kaldur repeats, his heart rate beginning to pick up. "Why?"

"Well," Manta says, taking off his mask and revealing a smirk, "she is a lovely woman. And the two of you seem quite fond of each other. I worried you were picking your second with your heart instead of your head."

Kaldur blinks. "Father, I-"

"It's alright," Manta says, his voice heavy with amusement. "I can now see that Tigress is strong as well as beautiful. I cannot blame you for being attracted to those traits. They were what led me to your mother, after all."

Kaldur isn't quite sure how to reply to this, but Manta just claps him on the shoulder. "Regardless, the two of you did well. You should go get some rest."

"Yes," Kaldur replies, grasping at the opportunity. "I am rather fatigued, Father."

"You should be well-rested when you meet the Reach," Manta says. "They are not an ally to be trifled with." He pats Kaldur's shoulder again. "Go get some rest, my son." He smirks a little. "If I see Tigress, I will send her to your room."

"Thank you," Kaldur replies, inclining his head and returning to his room.

And then, finally, when the door is sealed and he knows he's hidden away from the cameras that monitor almost every inch of this ship - being Black Manta's son has its benefits - he loosens his grip on his control, and he falls to his knees.

The mountain. The Cave. He _destroyed_ it, blew Mount Justice to bits, destroyed every trace of the life he once led. Nothing could have survived that blast. His breaths shudder in his chest at the thought.

No person could have survived it either, and he knows he warned Nightwing, but what if-

What if-

By all the gods, _what if he killed them-_

"Kaldur!" a voice cries. "Kaldur, it's okay, I'm here, you're okay, calm down-"

"Artemis," Kaldur manages to gasp through lungs that feel like they're collapsing. His gills flutter half-heartedly, but there's no water for them, not in the metal prison that Manta's built, this tomb, this _coffin_ -

 _What if he killed them?_

"It's okay, Kaldur," Artemis says, kneeling in front of Kaldur. "It's okay. You're okay. You just need to breathe."

Kaldur tries, but his lungs won't cooperate. Artemis hovers next to him, worry clear on her face, then asks, "Can I touch you?"

Kaldur doesn't have the air to respond, so he just reaches out one hand for her. Artemis takes it and Kaldur grips her fingers tightly. She accepts the pressure without flinching and presses their joined hands to her chest.

"Breathe with me," she says in a low, soothing voice. "In, two, three, four; out, two, three, four. Come on, Kaldur, you can do it. In, two, three, four; out, two, three, four."

Kaldur struggles to match Artemis's rhythm, but she never loses patience. She keeps counting, occasionally offering little encouragements, until Kaldur's breathing finally matches hers.

"There we go," Artemis says, her voice gentle. "There we go. You're okay."

"I- I apologize," Kaldur says. Some of the panic has drained, lowering it to a manageable level again, but exhaustion has flooded in to take its place. Artemis must be able to sense it, as she lets him lean on her and rest his head on her shoulder.

"You don't need to apologize," she says. "It was a panic attack. They happen." She looks sideways at him. "Have they happened before? On this mission?"

"A few times," Kaldur admits. "But they have never been this… debilitating."

"We should have sent someone in to help you a long time ago," Artemis says, sounding regretful. "This shouldn't have all been on your shoulders, Kaldur."

"I agreed to this mission," Kaldur replies. He tries to remind himself of that on days when all the lies tighten around his neck like a noose. "I knew what it would entail."

"I don't think any of us knew how far it would go," Artemis says. "Except maybe Nightwing. That bastard always seems to know more about everything than anyone else does."

Nightwing.

He struck him. Punched him. He had to do it to make the fight seem real, but…

He blew up the Cave, giving Nightwing mere minutes to get out of range.

He could have-

"Hey, Kaldur, Kaldur, calm down," Artemis says urgently, pulling away a little to look Kaldur in the eye. "You're okay, it's okay, everyone's okay-"

"I could have killed them," Kaldur gasps. "The Cave, I-"

"They knew to get out," Artemis replies. "They're fine, Kaldur. Nightwing is smart, I'm sure he got Superboy and Wolf out in time."

"What if there were others there? That we did not find?"

"There weren't," Artemis assures him. "We scanned it, remember? Six life forms. Nightwing, Superboy, Wolf, Beast Boy, Impulse, and Blue Beetle. All accounted for."

"We were not supposed to take prisoners," Kaldur says. "It was not in the plan-"

"We had to sell it," Artemis says. "And the others will rescue them when they rescue La'gaan. They're okay, Kaldur."

"I blew up the Cave, Artemis," Kaldur says, the words sounding hauntingly final now that he says them out loud. "I-"

"You did what you had to do," Artemis says, pulling Kaldur to her chest and holding him just tightly enough. "You did what you had to do."

He might fall asleep for a few moments in her embrace, or maybe he just drifts. Regardless, Artemis holds him until Kaldur can wrestle his worry and panic and anxiety back down. And then, selfishly, he lets her hold him a little longer, relishing in the feeling of being comforted by a teammate.

"I must apologize again," he finally says, pulling away. "I did not mean to lose control like that."

"Like I said, nothing to apologize for," Artemis replies. "Are you feeling better now?"

"I believe so," Kaldur replies. "Thank you, Artemis."

"Any time," Artemis replies, standing and offering Kaldur a hand to pull himself to his feet.

"How did you know to find me?" Kaldur asks.

"Your dad sent me," Artemis replies. "Said you told him to."

"Ah." Manta _had_ said he would sent Artemis along if he saw her, and Kaldur hadn't had the energy to argue it. "I must apologize yet again. My father believes we are… enamored with each other."

"He thinks we're dating?" Artemis demands.

"I believe so," Kaldur replies. "I did not do as much to dissuade him of the notion as I could have. I can remedy that-"

"No," Artemis says. "It's probably best not to. If he thinks we're dating, he won't question it if I spend extra time with you. That gives us more time to plan."

"If you are comfortable with it," Kaldur says. He wishes it weren't necessary - one more lie to wrap around his neck - but at least this one is less unpleasant than the others.

"It's fine," Artemis says. "Wally probably won't like it if he finds out, but Wally doesn't need to find out."

"Very well."

Artemis puts a gentle hand on Kaldur's shoulder. "You should rest. You look exhausted. Have you been sleeping at all recently?"

"My sleep has been… uneasy." Uneasy is an understatement; Kaldur has barely been able to get two hours of sleep without waking from a nightmare with a cry caught in his throat. "But if you are tired, I do not mean to keep you."

Artemis bites her lip. Kaldur has the feeling all the things he doesn't want to say are written plainly on his face for Artemis to read, and judging by her expression, she's concerned by them. "Do you think your sleep would be less uneasy if you weren't alone?"

"Pardon?"

"Hey, your dad already thinks we're dating," she says, a touch of defensiveness in her tone. "Might as well sell it, right? I can stay here tonight."

"Artemis-"

"I haven't been sleeping well either," Artemis admits. "I… I kinda got used to having someone else in the bed with me. You're not Wally, but…"

But Kaldur has dragged her on this mission with him, so Wally is not an option.

"Of course," Kaldur says. "If you wish it."

"I do," Artemis says. "Go on, get out of that armor. It can't be comfortable."

Kaldur slowly removes his armor while Artemis shucks pieces of her costume to the floor. By the time Kaldur's armor is off, she's down to a bra and underwear.

"Do you have anything else I can wear?" she asks.

"I-" Kaldur averts his gaze, going to his closet. He finds a plain t-shirt and passes it to Artemis, then pulls on one himself as well. He normally sleeps without a shirt, but he doesn't feel comfortable doing that now. "I do not know that I have anything else that will fit you," he admits.

"This is fine," Artemis replies. The shirt is overlong on her, covering halfway down her thighs. It is still indecent, at least by human standards, and Kaldur feels that he should not be seeing it, but, well…

There are many things Kaldur should not be doing, and he seems to be doing a great deal of them anyway.

"Okay," Artemis says, going over to the bed. "You care which side you get?"

"I have no preference," Kaldur replies, following her. "Do you?"

"Not really," Artemis says. She pulls up the covers and climbs into the bed. "Coming?"

Kaldur climbs into bed next to Artemis, keeping a careful distance between them. Artemis rolls her eyes.

"You're going to fall off the bed if you're not careful. We're not going to die if we touch each other, you know."

"I do not wish to cross any boundaries."

"You're not," Artemis says. She grabs Kaldur's arm and drags him closer to the middle of the bed. "Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?"

"Pardon?"

"Snuggling always makes me sleep better," Artemis says. "Big spoon or little spoon?"

"You want me to be a spoon?"

"Never mind," Artemis says. She curls around Kaldur, one hand draped over his torso. "This is fine. Now go to sleep."

Kaldur feels a faint smile touch his lips. "Goodnight, Artemis."

"Night, Kaldur."

And for once, with Artemis's steady breathing next to him, Kaldur's sleep is undisturbed.


End file.
